It's been a year...did you know?
I have bad days and okay days...never good ones. On the okay days, the grief loomes quietly beside me, while I think of a thousand beautiful ways to honor ava and her life and appreciate and see differently. I pour my soul into that place...that's what has helped me find shallow breaths and face a tomorrow. On a bad day? The grief smothered, blinded and drowned me. It's been a year...and my heart doesn't hurt any less than it did in march 2010.
Did you know? I take a deep breath every time I carry Aynslee to the doctor, and an even deeper breath when night time falls.
Did you know I woke with her that day? Sleepy, quite...messy hair ("need me hairbow mommy") and making plans for the day...watching cartoons and eating cinnamon rolls.
Did you know we played together? We laughed, danced, sang and talked over her toys. Oh, and something else...I adored her that day (like every day). I held her and hugged her and told her I loved her too many times. And she loved me back.
But, did you know, I raised my voice? She was two and I was tired and wanted to leave the zoo, and my forever days will regret that I didn't just take a deeper breath and stay as long as she wanted.
Did I tell you that I knew? We woke that night and it was too much and my world shattered instantly, and I knew. Her daddy held her and I knew. It will be okay, she will make it through...but oh no, I knew.
Did you know that people filled our house while grief filled our souls? I laid on the floor and cried and begged her daddy to fix it.
Did I mention...I hate the smell of Easter lilies, and the sound of emergency sirens. I can't stand Halloween, or a hospital. I can't bear to watch the news, and I never go to bed without fear.
And did you know? I despise the words "death" and "grave", especially if my child's name is contained in the sentence.
I still have her dirty clothes, I still can't watch her videos and one year, one hundred years, and an eternity on, I still don't understand.
hey girl! since i am not on facebook anymore, would you email me? aliciaharrison514@yahoo.com. I would love to get you that hat and was hoping to go up there this next week!! Please dont send me a check, i would love to get it for you!! You were so sweet to send me the flag!
ReplyDeleteTalk to you soon
In him we were also chosen having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of salvation.
ReplyDeleteEphesians 1:11
I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray you receive peace and strength that only comes from Christ.
Ephesians 1:11 tells us that ALL things happen to conform us and help us to depend on Christ. And because of Christ and our dependence on Him, we will live in eternity with Him and our loved ones.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. Ephesians 3:16