bereaved...

Bereave |biˈrēv|

verb ( be bereaved)

be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, esp. due to the loved one's death : the year after they had been bereaved | [as adj. ] (bereaved) bereaved families | [as plural n. ] ( the bereaved) those who counsel the bereaved.

Gosh, I just feel like I have been a mess here lately....It has been almost been a year since Ava’s went home with Jesus, but it feels like 1000 years. It feels as if I’ve lived a hundred lifetimes and but then I feel as if it’s only been 1 day since I held her last.  A lot of “important” things have occurred, but the only thing that stands out is that my little girl died. She's gone. Not here, her presence, just gone. 

The heart doesn’t know time, but the soul can’t deny it.  My heart  aches as it did the first day and the 100th day and as far as I can tell, it will still ache on day 1000.  My soul, however, feels the sadness and the cold and the dark of March even without a calendar or reminders of the date.  It feels that this is the season that she died and I would feel that even if I were in a cave for a year.  Or 1000 years.  or a day.  I would know. The soul knows.

I still feel like a high functioning sociopath.

I’m happy/I’m sad.

I’m getting myself back together/I’m a mess.

I’m hopeful/I’m pissed.

I’m better/ I 

will never be better.

I’m ready to get off the rollercoaster.

But when we get to that last hill, it just starts climbing again.

Time does not heal all wounds because time is of no matter. Please don't say that...or even think it for one minute. 1 day or 1000 years; it’s all the same to this bereaved mother. 

This doesn’t mean that there isn’t healing.  We are healing.  We are different, but we are healing.  Feeling the pain big gives way to feeling the joy big.  We have alot to be thankful for and much to enjoy.  I try everyday to do this. But I miss. In all the corners of my soul. I miss my sweet Ava.