your invited to....

Baby sister Aynslee's First Birthday Party!

spring break...so far

Well, what an absolutely bittersweet spring break we have had. It has not been an easy one, that's for sure. I doubt any "spring" in my life ever will be. Ayns and I have been working hard on the race planning, her birthday party planning, Easter brunch at our house planning, missing and wishing things different, and doing this ALL alone...as daddy Bright is out of town and HAS BEEN for over 9 weeks now. Guess I will leave you with a few pictures of our days thus far. 

hanging with grand daddy at CDP (the race site)

And these are a few of me and Ayns enjoying the beautiful weather we have had here lately. I.love.sunshine!

She loves her chico! 

Discovering the flowers! 

AND bubbles of course! 

Spending some time with the Lyttle girls. 

Ellie and Ayns

Do you see how she is sitting? She HAS TO eat with her right leg up....strange kid! :)

And we went to a neat place called Shipwrecked Island. It was an indoor playground area. They had a neat area for toddlers, a dress up room, and a big ship...and 2, yep, 2 ball pits. Aynslee was in Heaven! 

"da"...or her "there"

Abbie found her a minnie mouse dress. 

This was Ashley's drawing that day...what a precious girl. 

This drawing that Ashely made makes me so sad to know that she is a grieving cousin for Ava. I am glad that she loved her so much, she misses her...but as I have said once before, grief is the price we pay for love...and unfortunately, grief and love both are indiscriminate of age.

look at them leggs!!! Aynslee's first day in shorts! 

one year later...and did you know?

It's been a year...did you know?

I have bad days and okay days...never good ones. On the okay days, the grief loomes quietly beside me, while I think of a thousand beautiful ways to honor ava and her life and appreciate and see differently. I pour my soul into that place...that's what has helped me find shallow breaths and face a tomorrow. On a bad day? The grief smothered, blinded and drowned me. It's been a year...and my heart doesn't hurt any less than it did in march 2010.

Did you know? I take a deep breath every time I carry Aynslee to the doctor, and an even deeper breath when night time falls.

Did you know I woke with her that day? Sleepy, quite...messy hair ("need me hairbow mommy") and making plans for the day...watching cartoons and eating cinnamon rolls.

Did you know we played together? We laughed, danced, sang and talked over her toys. Oh, and something else...I adored her that day (like every day). I held her and hugged her and told her I loved her too many times. And she loved me back.

But, did you know, I raised my voice? She was two and I was tired and wanted to leave the zoo, and my forever days will regret that I didn't just take a deeper breath and stay as long as she wanted.

Did I tell you that I knew? We woke that night and it was too much and my world shattered instantly, and I knew. Her daddy held her and I knew. It will be okay, she will make it through...but oh no, I knew.

Did you know that people filled our house while grief filled our souls? I laid on the floor and cried and begged her daddy to fix it.

Did I mention...I hate the smell of Easter lilies, and the sound of emergency sirens. I can't stand Halloween, or a hospital. I can't bear to watch the news, and I never go to bed without fear.

And did you know? I despise the words "death" and "grave", especially if my child's name is contained in the sentence.

I still have her dirty clothes, I still can't watch her videos and one year, one hundred years, and an eternity on, I still don't understand. 

10 months!

I can't believe she is 10 months already...but then again, time is no matter to MY heart...so I guess I can believe she is 10 months.

She is cruising around the furniture. She is 26 lbs. YEP! 26! Her rolls, have rolls...she wears 24 month clothes and sometimes I have to stuff her in those! She can say "dye dye" for "bye bye", "da da" for her beloved daddy, she says "ohhhhhh" as she hugs babies/dolls/stuffed animals, she LOVES hair still, but has learned how to be "nice" and "easy". She knows how to clap to "If you happy and you know it", and she attempts the "itsy bitsy spider". When she pulls up on things, she just lets go...like she wants to walk...my prediction...she will be walking soon! She loved ducks. She gets loud when she sees her toy ducks and she yells at them. Not quite sure what she's saying, but whatever it is, I think SHE thinks they can't hear! She has just now shown an interest in books, and will point at things in the book as if she was labeling things. She uses CONSISTENTLY the sign for "want". She will pull up to me, point to the ball pit and sign "want". She is refusing to say "more" or "all done"...the ones I work on all of the time. We will see where she is at next month! For now, I'll leave you with a few pictures of her lately.

At Maclain's Party...eating some cake! 

Loving it at Chick-fil-A....giggling the whole time! 

bereaved...

Bereave |biˈrēv|

verb ( be bereaved)

be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, esp. due to the loved one's death : the year after they had been bereaved | [as adj. ] (bereaved) bereaved families | [as plural n. ] ( the bereaved) those who counsel the bereaved.

Gosh, I just feel like I have been a mess here lately....It has been almost been a year since Ava’s went home with Jesus, but it feels like 1000 years. It feels as if I’ve lived a hundred lifetimes and but then I feel as if it’s only been 1 day since I held her last.  A lot of “important” things have occurred, but the only thing that stands out is that my little girl died. She's gone. Not here, her presence, just gone. 

The heart doesn’t know time, but the soul can’t deny it.  My heart  aches as it did the first day and the 100th day and as far as I can tell, it will still ache on day 1000.  My soul, however, feels the sadness and the cold and the dark of March even without a calendar or reminders of the date.  It feels that this is the season that she died and I would feel that even if I were in a cave for a year.  Or 1000 years.  or a day.  I would know. The soul knows.

I still feel like a high functioning sociopath.

I’m happy/I’m sad.

I’m getting myself back together/I’m a mess.

I’m hopeful/I’m pissed.

I’m better/ I 

will never be better.

I’m ready to get off the rollercoaster.

But when we get to that last hill, it just starts climbing again.

Time does not heal all wounds because time is of no matter. Please don't say that...or even think it for one minute. 1 day or 1000 years; it’s all the same to this bereaved mother. 

This doesn’t mean that there isn’t healing.  We are healing.  We are different, but we are healing.  Feeling the pain big gives way to feeling the joy big.  We have alot to be thankful for and much to enjoy.  I try everyday to do this. But I miss. In all the corners of my soul. I miss my sweet Ava. 

happy bday addison brooke!

Well, today my sweet niece turned 2. It's always bittersweet for me...birthday parties that is. Ava loved birthday parties. She knew she was going to "pay wif my fiends". And "eat cake"...."jump, jump, jump"...or whatever else the birthday party might bring to her. So today, Addison had a "jump, jump, jump" party....Aynslee had fun. She can't really "jump", but she sure can dance, bounce, play ball, and ride down the slide. She really had a blast. She passed out in the car before we even got out of the parking lot! I think Addison had a good time too. AND guess what?!?!? She became a white level sponsor with her $150 birthday donation to the avalyn shaye foundation for Ava's Run for a Reason. So sweet Addison. We are forever grateful for your kindness and love for your cousins!

And now, I will leave you some pictures from exactly a year ago of precious Ava. I wonder what she would look like now? Would her hair be longer? Would her giggle sound louder? I.wish.I.knew. :(

Rest in Peace my Darling Angel. I will see you soon! Love, Mommy

much better

Little Ayns is feeling much, much better these days. Looks like she kicked RSV's butt! Go Ayns!

Loving on her baby doll after a breathing treatment

Her new favorite...goldfish! 

Sporting her "Ava Smiles" hat made from Lobey Designs.

Sweet girl playing and missing her daddy

And look at the beautiful snow this week! If its  gonna be cold, then I like it to snow!!!!!