At just 10 days old....so sweet, so precious, so tiny....ava's baby sister is "all done"
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
heaven.
We meet with our preacher yesterday, and he bought me a book titled "Heaven". I had asked him that I needed to know what the BIBLE says about Heaven. Not what someone had dreamed, not what someone had claimed to experience, but what it was really like...what scripture says about Heaven. So, he bought this book for me to read...based directly from scripture about Heaven. It is a rather lengthly book, so I was only able to read the beginning chapter and then I skipped to the small section in the book about children. I "need" to know what Heaven is like for Ava. I am her mommy...I need to know what she is doing, if she is having fun, will I see her again like I knew her here on earth, or is that lost forever? Does she have the same personality? Is her name the same? WELL, WELL, WELL....I found some of my answers through the one and only BIBLE! For once, in the midst of this whole tragedy, I felt a sense of comfort and peace....for that day.
The bible basically says that Ava is who she is in Heaven as we knew her here. She has the same name, same personality, and Jesus assigns Angels to each child until WE can get there. Does she miss us? I worry alot about that...she was such a mommy's girl...and she didn't like being too far away from me for ANY length of time...NO, she can't miss me in Heaven. 1,000 years on this earth is like a day in Heaven..so she will not get the opportunity to miss me. Will I see her again like a 2 year old? YES!! And we will get the opportunity to raise her in this perfect world that God created called Heaven...a world with no sin, pain, hurt, grief....a world exactly like this one..a parallel universe (earth) in the way that God intended it to be....His earth!
Now, with this said...I am still angry...angry because I can't answer the WHY? question...angry because God took her from me....angry because she deserves to grow up here with her little sister...but, I just have to trust in God's plan...trust that he knew best and choose not to intervene and save her life "that night"....but that's so hard for me right now too. I want to be selfish...I miss
1. reading her books at night, pointing to the pumpkin in the books and asking me if daddy can make her another elmo pumpkin
2. waking her up in the mornings, watching her sleep and kiss her cheeks to wake her up
3. chasing her naked butt around our house pleading to put on a pull up (or big girl panties)
4. looking at her Dora map and saying, "jungle, mountain, crocodile lake"
5. letting her pull her ear plugs out after her bath and her sticking them in her mouth (gross!)...as she giggles
AND MOST OF ALL....I MISS her smile, her laugh, her hugs, and her kisses. I miss every inch of her...her fat little feet, her chunky little hands, the rolls on her arms, those big blue eyes, and her soft hair. Forever, I will miss her...until we can meet again sweet Ava Shaye..mommy loves you more than anything in this world! I will forever be "your mommy"! Those were your last words to me "my mommy, my mommy" as we feel asleep together that night..and I will always be "your mommy".
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| that smile...that personality...my girl |
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| fat little hands |
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| those feet |
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
missing (my girl)
I feel so alone without my sweet Ava. She was always with me. She accompanied me on all my errands: grocery store, bank, shopping, post office, etc...She helped me with my chores and everyday activities: she got down on her little hands and knees and helped ma-ma clean up her toys. She would open and close the dryer and dishwasher door. I would read books to her, we would play in her kitchen and pretend cook, or play with her dolls and feed the baby and change their diapers. Then we would snuggle close, and I would lay beside her, pat her butt and kiss her and put her down to sleep. She was part of everything I did, my best little friend. Oh how I miss her. I wish she was here...more than anything in this world.
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So my grief lingers.....day in and day out....
Just the sight of her favorite toys, her snacks, her carseat, her scribbles on our notepads, her pull ups still in the trash, her bath toys in the tub, her hairbows, her books, the smell of her dirty clothes, her beautiful hair, bright blue eyes and warm embrace, and I have to say good-bye all over again.
My grief lingers because I am dealing with more than memories - I am dealing with unlived tomorrows. I'm not just battling sorrow - I'm battling disappointment....I feel cheated. I feel Aynslee was cheated out of having her big sister teach her things and care for her. Jim was cheated from walking her down the aisle to be married, seeing her graduate college, building her the "big pink truck" he promised her the week after her surgery. She was sitting in his lap and he was explaining to her how he was going to build the biggest, pink truck for her when she was 16...completely stripped of this..all gone in an instant.
I am also battling anger.
But anger lives in sorrows house. Anger at myself. I'm her mommy....I'm supposed to protect her, take care of her, keep her safe...that's why she loved me so much. She felt safe in my arms. That's why she fought so hard for me "that" night...that's why when people were sad, she would say they wanted their mommy...because she knew her mommy was her safe place. Did I fail her? ....Anger at life. Anger at God. Anger that takes the form of a three-letter question - WHY? Why Ava? Why my sweet, precious girl who loved life and everything else. Why would this happen to her? Why did God want her...now?
So, what now? All I can do is pray...pray God will give us the strength we need to continue our life without her. Pray that God will give us peace that surpasses understanding. "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths". Proverbs 3:5-8..(I think...I memorized this when we lost our first pregnancy so I think I am correct on the verse).
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