i love red dresses on Christmas

Aynslee Christmas 2010

And then...never thought about this...but Ava wore a red dress every one of her Christmas's. :)

Ava Christmas 2009

pat a cake aynslee 12 23 10

wild thang

we were in her room...I looked away for one minute...I swear...and she pulled up on the crib. Crazy girl!!! oh Lawdy what am I gonna do?

patty cake patty cake

Guess who play's patty cake...baby Aynslee. Maybe a picture can follow this post later....she doesn't seem to do it when I have my camera out. For now, I'll leave you with her "mad baby scrunchy nose" face....a.k.a. "Ava Shaye's face". LOL

9 months.

It's been 9 months...I miss her.

i wish

I could walk in her room and see this....

eight.

do you see the clippie in her hair? YAY for hair!

all of her tomorrows

Again, I can't get that family out of my head in memphis that lost her 20 month old girl Evie Grace. I keep thinking, how? How can this be? Another broken heart? I hold Aynslee so tight today....and cry for this family. I think back when we chose Ava’s casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They’re so tiny. But she’s so tiny. Is there just white? It should be pink, really. You only have 2 choices. Why? This doesn't happen...it's not supposed to happen...children don't die. What would she like? Do they have a Dora one...or Kai Lan? 

But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?

I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don’t let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn’t realize on that day that her little tiny white casket with pink satin and silver handles and a precious moments angel needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.

It had to hold her first day at school. Her clothes. Her bows. Her books. The friends she’d meet. The lunches we’d make for her. Her graduation dress.

It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure .. her jewellery, her perfume, her car ( or pink truck as daddy told her he was going to build for her) and her house.

It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.

It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she’d carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.

It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress…and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.

It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.

It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.

These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much.

It is a gift that now, when I hold my Aynslee dearly and breathe her in, I’m not just grateful for her, I’m so thankful for all of her tomorrows.

baby blues

Where do our kids keep getting these baby blues from? Mommy and daddy of course. :)

Christmas at Nana's and Pa's

Here we go...another time of family holiday....a time of remembering...of bittersweetness...or missing our Ava...of celebrating a "first" for baby Aynslee. We had a nice time. But we missed...as always...someone was missing from this family.

Me, Ayns, Meme, and Addison

This face...cracks me up!

Sweet girl

They are going to be so much trouble in a few years... 

Ava's beloved "Augie"

Aaden

August 

Lookie mommy...I'm gonna get their hair! 

And of course, a few from last year at Nana's and Pa's Christmas.

No "my dada" says Ava to Austin. 

Digging into her stocking...she was so excited. 

loves "baby Addison"

She LOVED abby cadabby! 

She thought it was hilarious to have baby Addison in her lap....
notice the cell phone

Little miss rotten pants...she was standing in the chair
 and she knows she's not supposed to. 

slam dunk!

Future basketball player? Maybe?

welcome (not) to my universe

Ava's Valentine 2010...notice the heart in the center of her two hands. :)

Tatum texted me the other night and said a girl in Memphis lost one of her 20 month old twin girls 2 weeks ago. Then, I get on facebook and I have 2 messages from 2 people who are "friends of a friend" of this girl. They wanted me to reach out to her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I *know* how she feels, and I could pick up the phone and talk to her for hours and I *know*. There is so much that goes with life after losing a child that you don’t realize. The fear of knowing that even though we truly adored Ava with every ounce of our soul and put in place so many things to keep her safe, we still lost her. Knowing that fate can and does step in and is indiscrimate and, at times, so very unfair. That just because we have had more anguish and heartache than we’re sometimes able to bear doesn’t mean we won’t have any more for the rest of our lives. The sheer panic we experience each time Aynslee chokes on her food, or falls over on her head. We live with the constant fear that “normal” days can turn into nightmares. It really is a different world "we" walk in. I want to tell this sweet girl, “It is possible to live with a broken heart. But it’s hard.”  It's her worst nightmare, it's every mother's worst nightmare. God was cleaver when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight and to make it all blank for a while. To be able to walk, to talk, to breath, to go through the motions without having to actually *be* there. I can tell you she is in shock. I am still in shock. I remember the sheer terror we felt...not being able to process the finality of it all...the reality...I still can't. 9 months later, it is not one bit easier to understand how that night happened. 

So many things have shifted for me since losing Ava. So many. I can’t help feeling like my whole belief system has "changed" – I had such a certainty  that I had a good life because I was a good person, that life was kind to me because I “did the right thing”.. I liked having that belief – it felt secure and right. It’s another loss for me that I now understand that no-one is keeping score. It has become apparent that I have very little control over whether my day includes joy or tragedy. From here on when I “do the right thing”, I know it’s just because well, it’s the right thing. Nothing more, nothings less. And really, it’s such an insult to all the other good people who have had bad things happen that I held this belief in the first place. How incredibly conceited and selfish of me. 

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how blessed we were but we didn’t know it. We *thought* we did, we spoke of it very often, we just didn’t really know it. I think we are conditioned, in Western society, to perceive lucky/successful/blessed as a big house, new car, ..and the rest. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things...but what I now know so completely is that richness & happiness is truly right there, no matter what car/house/boat you do or don’t own. I’m not an envious person by nature but suddenly I find myself so very jealous and wanting to tell families all around me “My God..You are SOOO lucky. Do you know?” I want to tell people to get down on their knees, daily, and be so truly thankful for their full, whole, complete families. To smother their children with hugs, to tell their partners they love them. To stop worrying about stuff that DOES NOT MATTER! To not procrastinate, to not leave words unsaid, to not assume a tomorrow. I am still blessed, I do know I have a lot to remain thankful for but when I look back, I feel so much frustration that we didn’t truly know... I gave Ava everything...but some things were met with hesitation. I didn't want to "spoil" her...I wanted to "wait until she was bigger". My, my how my perspective has changed. Aynslee will get everything I think she would love this Christmas, why wait until she is "older"....who knows what the future holds? Only God. Not me. Not you. Sowhy wait? Why put off to a tomorrow that might not be? 

merry christmas to you

Aynslee's first S-N-O-W

First look at the snow. 

She didn't really understand WHAT we were doing to her. 

Ahhh...snow. No school. No work. Sleep in. Cozy up. Peppermint Mocha. Pretty. Jammy Wammy's. Snow boots. Hats. Glubs or mittens. Missing....again, it feels like yesterday, yet forever ago Ava was sledding down the hill with daddy...giggling the whole way down..."mommy, come wis me". "Love you mommy"...."mommy, watch meeee". I love you Ava. I missed you this snowy morning. Another missed opportunity....it's becoming familiar. Your sister wanted to eat the snow...she loved it. But, we missed you (as usual).

Of course, couldn't post without one of Miss Ava Shaye. 

spish, splash taking a bath