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| Ava at 6 months Photo courtesy of Courtney Marler |
I don't like to share my blog with many...I feel like it's me, pouring out my heart and soul, my grief exposed...but sometimes, and somedays, I feel the need to share it with the public world. Maybe I am looking for people to "understand" my life, maybe I just want to help someone else who may be in a deep, dark place, or maybe I just want to make something very private, public....just for that minute. In any case, I'm sharing today...and to be forwarned, I'm fiesty. It's just one of those days and one of those moods I'm in. I had someone ask me the other day, "so what have you learned from all of this?". Other than literally wanting to punch them in the face (I mean, really people, COME ON), a lump came in my throat, and I offered a short, sarcastic answer. But it stuck with me....I'm learning all of the time. What I think (and feel) from one day, changes in the next. In July of 2010, I did a blog post of what I had learned 4 months after we lost Ava. Here it is:
* Grief is hard work! Nearly all my energy is consumed by this thing called "grief". I have little energy for anything else.
* Life is not fair!!!
*Bad things happen to good people.
*It’s up to me to make a decision to become better, not bitter.
*Everything I have experienced in this life has had an impact on me.
*My life is a work in progress.
*I need to talk about Ava. It keeps her memory alive.
*It’s o.k. to be mad at God, - God can handle it. He is a bereaved parent too, so He truly understands my pain and sorrow.
*God knows how long you will live even before you are born. (there is a "master plan")
*How great Heaven must be!
*I can love my child as much in death as I loved her in life.
*I should share my experience, strength, and hope with other bereaved parents.
* Life can change in a heartbeat.
*I have very little control over events in this world.
*It simply takes too much energy just to dress in the morning, to make the simple decision to eat, to stifle tears in public, and to keep my anger from inappropriately erupting...
All of these things...still.....I am learning and dealing and coping everyday. What more have I learned? What I am learning is not easy to swallow by no means. I have learned that this trauma, and this missing, is a GIGANTIC mental battle for me. GIGANTIC. GIGANTIC. GIGANTIC..did I say GIGANTIC? I am stunned at what a toll this trauma has taken on me mentally. I am stunned at the lingering sorrow and pain two years later. I am learning everyday that time does NOT heal all wounds. I have learned I will ALWAYS miss her everyday and in every moment, no matter how happy I feel or no matter what is going in my life. She is ALWAYS missing from it. I have learned "healing" is different when you have seen your angelic, perfect, gorgeous, full-of-life, first born gasping for breath, eyes full of fear right in your very arms. Sure, I am healing. As much as someone whose broken heart struggles to beat on the outside of my body can heal.
I have learned that even still, when people tell me or ask if I am having a "good" day, I want to yell and scream at them and tell them "NO", none of my days are good. I lost my firstborn, don't you know? I have "ok" days, and "bad" days...not "good" ones. And sometimes, yes, sometimes, I call my days "TRIUMPHANT". Enjoying myself, having fun....none of those things are your run of the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughters death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE.
I have learned I can live on little to no sleep. Re-living the trauma of that horrific night replays in my head everyday, all of the time, and especially when I lay my head to sleep in HER bed.
I have learned that I feel so very fragile--like I am being held together by Scotch tape and could come apart at any moment.
I am learning that I have to be cautious of comparing my life to other people.I remember right after we lost Ava, being truly unable to manage and cope with the pain. I was intensely grateful for the people around me who were in a "better" place. If we all lived in a state of pain and anguish such as ours was, we would all be helpless. I've learned to be nice to people, because you never know their story. I still sometimes struggle with feeling envious of the lives of others, that they don't have to live everyday of their life with this pain....but of course, since then, I have also learned that the very people who were so willing to serve us in our pain, were in just as dark of a place as we were at one time in their past. It is difficult for me to not resent people who haven't lost a child and who can sleep without the trauma. Very difficult. When people talk to me about how "bad" things are for them, I want to tell them, "Do you know how bad things can really be?". But then again, I also know that just because I lost one child, doesn't make me exempt from anyother "bad" things happening in my life. As "bad" as things are, they can always be worse. Always.
I have learned people are genuinely good people and they do care, even if they don't know what to say or do. Sometimes, I want to reach through the computer and slap people into reality.
I have learned that somedays, and sometimes, I don't have much more room for any more sadness than what I deal with daily. It's just the way it is. I have learned what a deep, personal trial this is, despite it being very public.
I have learned that when you loose your little girl, you understand what is really important, without understanding life at all.
I have learned how powerful fear is and how slippery hope is. The pain can hit me at any moment, for any reason. The fact that I have to live each day without her is reason enough.
I have learned that when you loose your little girl, it defines you. But you wouldn't want it NOT to. Somedays, the only thing I want people to know about me, or remember is that I lost my little girl. Nothing more.
I've learned that I am amazed that the world keeps turning. Aren't you? With all the heartache and suffering, it is astonishing that any of us get out of bed in the morning, yet we do. I've learned that's incredible. And I truly believe most of us are trying to do our best.
I live my life with a scratched record repeating over and over, "I can't believe my little girl is gone. I can't believe my little girl is gone".
"The most beautiful people we have know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." -Elizabeth Kobler-Ros
I hope to be truly beautiful someday.
I'm not in the mood for pep talks right now. (Told you I was feisty) That's part of it...anger, bitterness, confusion, unfairness.....It's a daily battle.
I know I am not perfect. I am not all-knowing and wise just because of that we've been through, but I hope one day I can be in a "better" place and help someone in their time of need. Tables do turn. We all rely on eachother. We have to.
I know that if your child doesn't die before you--life is still hard. I don't ever plan on figuring it all out.
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