heaven.

We meet with our preacher yesterday, and he bought me a book titled "Heaven". I had asked him that I needed to know what the BIBLE says about Heaven. Not what someone had dreamed, not what someone had claimed to experience, but what it was really like...what scripture says about Heaven. So, he bought this book for me to read...based directly from scripture about Heaven. It is a rather lengthly book, so I was only able to read the beginning chapter and then I skipped to the small section in the book about children. I "need" to know what Heaven is like for Ava. I am her mommy...I need to know what she is doing, if she is having fun, will I see her again like I knew her here on earth, or is that lost forever? Does she have the same personality? Is her name the same? WELL, WELL, WELL....I found some of my answers through the one and only BIBLE! For once, in the midst of this whole tragedy, I felt a sense of comfort and peace....for that day. 

The bible basically says that Ava is who she is in Heaven as we knew her here. She has the same name, same personality, and Jesus assigns Angels to each child until WE can get there. Does she miss us? I worry alot about that...she was such a mommy's girl...and she didn't like being too far away from me for ANY length of time...NO, she can't miss me in Heaven. 1,000 years on this earth is like a day in Heaven..so she will not get the opportunity to miss me. Will I see her again like a 2 year old? YES!! And we will get the opportunity to raise her in this perfect world that God created called Heaven...a world with no sin, pain, hurt, grief....a world exactly like this one..a parallel universe (earth) in the way that God intended it to be....His earth! 

Now, with this said...I am still angry...angry because I can't answer the WHY? question...angry because God took her from me....angry because she deserves to grow up here with her little sister...but, I just have to trust in God's plan...trust that he knew best and choose not to intervene and save her life "that night"....but that's so hard for me right now too. I want to be selfish...I miss 

1. reading her books at night, pointing to the pumpkin in the books and asking me if daddy can make her another elmo pumpkin

2. waking her up in the mornings, watching her sleep and kiss her cheeks to wake her up

3. chasing her naked butt around our house pleading to put on a pull up (or big girl panties)

4. looking at her Dora map and saying, "jungle, mountain, crocodile lake"

5. letting her pull her ear plugs out after her bath and her sticking them in her mouth (gross!)...as she giggles 

AND MOST OF ALL....I MISS her smile, her laugh, her hugs, and her kisses. I miss every inch of her...her fat little feet, her chunky little hands, the rolls on her arms, those big blue eyes, and her soft hair. Forever, I will miss her...until we can meet again sweet Ava Shaye..mommy loves you more than anything in this world! I will forever be "your mommy"! Those were your last words to me "my mommy, my mommy" as we feel asleep together that night..and I will always be "your mommy".

that smile...that personality...my girl

fat little hands

those feet