missing (my girl)

we went to target in "dada's BIG truck" I feel so alone without my sweet Ava. She was always with me. She accompanied me on all my errands: grocery store, bank, shopping, post office, etc...She helped me with my chores and everyday activities: she got down on her little hands and knees and helped ma-ma clean up her toys. She would open and close the dryer and dishwasher door. I would read books to her, we would play in her kitchen and pretend cook, or play with her dolls and feed the baby and change their diapers. Then we would snuggle close, and I would lay beside her, pat her butt and kiss her and put her down to sleep. She was part of everything I did, my best little friend. Oh how I miss her. I wish she was here...more than anything in this world.

So my grief lingers.....day in and day out.... Just the sight of her favorite toys, her snacks, her carseat, her scribbles on our notepads, her pull ups still in the trash, her bath toys in the tub, her hairbows, her books, the smell of her dirty clothes, her beautiful hair, bright blue eyes and warm embrace, and I have to say good-bye all over again. My grief lingers because I am dealing with more than memories - I am dealing with unlived tomorrows. I'm not just battling sorrow - I'm battling disappointment....I feel cheated. I feel Aynslee was cheated out of having her big sister teach her things and care for her. Jim was cheated from walking her down the aisle to be married, seeing her graduate college, building her the "big pink truck" he promised her the week after her surgery. She was sitting in his lap and he was explaining to her how he was going to build the biggest, pink truck for her when she was 16...completely stripped of this..all gone in an instant.  I am also battling anger. But anger lives in sorrows house. Anger at myself. I'm her mommy....I'm supposed to protect her, take care of her, keep her safe...that's why she loved me so much. She felt safe in my arms. That's why she fought so hard for me "that" night...that's why when people were sad, she would say they wanted their mommy...because she knew her mommy was her safe place. Did I fail her? ....Anger at life. Anger at God. Anger that takes the form of a three-letter question - WHY? Why Ava? Why my sweet, precious girl who loved life and everything else. Why would this happen to her? Why did God want her...now?  So, what now? All I can do is pray...pray God will give us the strength we need to continue our life without her. Pray that God will give us peace that surpasses understanding. "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths". Proverbs 3:5-8..(I think...I memorized this when we lost our first pregnancy so I think I am correct on the verse).