We Win!!

“The Oscar For Best Attempt At Appearing Like A Normal Family When Everything Is On It’s Head“….

I guess I’m breathing a sigh of relief this week. We did it. We got through our mini vacation.   We squealed along with the kids playing in the sand, building sandcastles, drinking their juice boxes…all the while thinking “But where is Ava?”

I kept thinking back to the year before last, I have photos of her...playing in the sand, swimming at the pool, and having an absolute blast. On Wednesday, the day before we left, Aynslee and I went to the cemetery.  It is the most surreal, abnormal, wrong thing to do. To go to talk to your child at the cemetery before you leave for a "family" vacation.  To sit talking to the grass and wondering, wishing, refusing to believe. It’s just not right.

The first day was great, I really thought it was beautiful (the ocean)…It felt so nice to do something “normal”.

Then, I came crashing down and the next few days were like so many days at home..just going through the motions and lost in sadness. We still had a  nice time,  but I felt a bit fake…like a big pretender…I  was really thinking the whole time “Why isn’t Ava here”?

I will say something though, I’m getting used to this roller coaster.  I’m starting to realize there are bad days and there are better days. That the pain isn’t constantly unbearable…it wavers and it’s just too terrible sometimes and it’s a little okay sometimes. Luckily my “too terrible” days usually seem to land on Jim’s “little bit okay” days and vice versa so we pull each other out of the hole most of the time.

But there are still so many moments where I think I’m doing a bit better and I think of her and that she’s not here and she’s not coming back and that it happened to us (and to her)and I suck my breath in and my stomach does a flip. 

My sweet Ava, you were so dearly missed on our "family" vacation and you will always be missed. Our family will never be complete until we are all reunited again in Heaven.