 |
| One of Ava's first pictures |
The Journey.
It all began with medicine, needles, and a wishing and hoping (of a different kind). A call, from the nurse, "your pregnant...the line is faint (Ava, you will never be faint to me)...but your pregnant". I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. Just two months prior, I had miscarried my "miracle pregnancy" and now, pregnant again. I was so excited, hopeful, yet scared all at the same time. My first pregnancy had taken the innocence out of this pregnancy. I knew how fast things could change. So I didn't get my hope up...UNTIL we went to our "determine the sex" ultrasound. Anyone who knows me already knows what a girly girl I am. And therefore, just how much it meant to me to have a girl. When the ultrasound technician told me she was a she, I just couldn't believe it! a GIRL!!!!! I was super excited to start my pink journey!
I spent weeks, nah months, getting her nursery ready. I ordered the very best nursery bedding from California. The VERY best furniture from overpriced pottery barn kids, and I turned an average room into an absolute PALACE. It was pink...it was perfect. It was everything I’d ever wanted. Complete.
Her birth was hard. I'm not going to lie. I labored for hours all day long. I ran a fever. I started to push for 2 hours, and her heart rate was high. It was time for a C-section. I didn't care, I just wanted to meet my baby girl...my long anticipated and awaited baby princess. I took her home and marvelled. For two years and four months, we marvelled. We adored and spoilt and thanked the heavens above that we had been so super blessed.
She was everything I had ever wanted in a girl and more. She LOVED her clothes, she LOVED pink, she LOVED princesses, she LOVED shoes ("shiny shoes"), and she LOVED to dance. She could out-girl me any day. She was so beautiful to look at...we would just stop and stare, so often, and no matter how many photos of her I’d already shown Jim, I’d have to show him “just one more”. She was so loved at her school and when she would come home smelling like Mrs. Misty's perfume with her hair bow perfectly in place, I’d smile knowing she’d been cuddled and made over that day.
Mrs. Misty taught her “ABC's” and to hear her sing it would make you melt, honestly. She would sing it while we were in Target...like she was bored and needed to hear some sort of music. She would shake her head back and forth, and sing at the top of her lungs. I told her "shhhh" in target that day, because I was tired of hearing her sing them....what I would give (anything) to hear them again. I only said a few weeks back that I needed to videotape her (I never did). She was so loving to her baby (unborn)sister – and her cousins. She kissed Addison ALL of the time. Austin scared her wearing a halloween costume (black spiderman) and she would shake her little head and say, "no Ausin, don't (s)care me". She would run to you as fast and hard as she can, hug your neck, flip her feet up behind her and say, "Biiiiig dinosaur hugs". She was so sweet and beautiful and amazing.
The Regrets.
I know people say not to have them. That they are pointless and will drive me absolute crazy. But they are there. Not about that day, not really. I know we were doing nothing other than living out a normal day. That I believed she was safe and sound. That I tried my absolute very best, every single day of her life, to keep her safe. So I don’t really feel like I could have done that day differently.
What I do regret though is "the surgery". I know, I know, you can't change your "number"...only God knows your number, but I can only *wonder* if things would have turned out different if we didn't choose to get her tonsils out.
I wish I’d taken her to Disney world to see the princesses. I was just waiting until she got “easier”, when she got older...I was expecting a tomorrow...
Not getting enough pictures of her and Addison, and her and Aynslee (in my belly). I guess I thought I had time.
I regret not letting her wear (out) whatever she wanted every single day – why did I think it mattered? She wore what she wanted at home, but oftentimes she would want to try new "outfits" out for school, and I had to explain to her that she had to wear what mommy picked out. That worked for now-but I wish I would have just let her do what she wanted.
I just regret these things for me. Not for her. She had everything she needed. She had love. SOOOOOOOO much love. Every single day, she was loved. She was happy. She was cherished and adored. We gave her the best of life everyday. She knew no different. But for me, I am sad.
The Gifts.
I can't believe I am writing this, but along with the agonising pain that comes with losing her, there are Gifts. I try to see them, even if I don't want to acknowledge they are there.
I am more patient. I am more forgiving, of others and myself. I see beauty in so many things I took for granted. I am real and honest and open, more than ever before. I have made amazing, deep, unexpected friendships. I didn’t think I could love Jim any more but I do. I am a deeper, better person. BUT, i also feel that it didn't take THIS...losing Ava to make me a "better" person...it just did.
There are so many other gifts I could talk about on a practical level – there are beautiful people doing amazing things behind the scenes to make Ava's splash pad a reality. . We are so committed to wanting wonderful things to come out of Ava’s tragedy. We are committed to keeping her sweet memory alive and letting everyone in this community know just how special she really was.
These things I call “Gifts From Ava’. She sends them every single day.
I like to imagine that one day my memories of the journey I shared with Ava and the gifts she continues to give me are enough. That the regrets fade and that great things have become, because of Ava. But, I'm just not sure. It's not enough to remember Ava with smiles and fond memories...I *NEED* the tears. I.miss.her.
 |
| One of the last pictures of Ava |
No comments:
Post a Comment