fear(less)

"Ava's silly face" as she called it...oh how i miss this!

No one ever told me about the fear that comes with grief.  It is a terror beyond anything I have ever known.  The moments of that night....waking up with Ava, knowing instantly that we might lose her, then waiting for 48 hours at the hospital until we did… and then facing a lifetime without her.   I am scared...so very scared.  I hear myself saying “I’m just so scared that this is real“.   We are actually living our worst nightmare! 

“You never recover from the loss of a child“.  I hear that oh so much from so many who have lost. To my newly grieving, terrified self, those words are sometimes unbearable.  I can’t fathom never recovering!   But I also can’t fathom life ever being any different.  So, I’ve  been wondering...what is  “recovered”?  What does that even mean?  That you should return to the griefless, untouched self you once were?  Well of course you don’t!  How can you hold your lifeless, adored, child and cry and beg God to give her back and not walk away changed? I have to  face overwhelming sadness throughout my every day and have to learn to incorporate it into a life that doesn’t like to pause...a world that didn't pause for my loss.  Of course I am different.  But, from what I can see now, I come from a place of total devastation, and somehow find a way to open my eyes, breath,  and face another day without my beautiful baby girl. Recovered?  I don’t know...if that is possible...   Altered?  Without doubt.

 It isn’t enough to just remember Ava with smiles and fond memories.   I need the tears.