welcome (not) to my universe

Ava's Valentine 2010...notice the heart in the center of her two hands. :)

Tatum texted me the other night and said a girl in Memphis lost one of her 20 month old twin girls 2 weeks ago. Then, I get on facebook and I have 2 messages from 2 people who are "friends of a friend" of this girl. They wanted me to reach out to her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I *know* how she feels, and I could pick up the phone and talk to her for hours and I *know*. There is so much that goes with life after losing a child that you don’t realize. The fear of knowing that even though we truly adored Ava with every ounce of our soul and put in place so many things to keep her safe, we still lost her. Knowing that fate can and does step in and is indiscrimate and, at times, so very unfair. That just because we have had more anguish and heartache than we’re sometimes able to bear doesn’t mean we won’t have any more for the rest of our lives. The sheer panic we experience each time Aynslee chokes on her food, or falls over on her head. We live with the constant fear that “normal” days can turn into nightmares. It really is a different world "we" walk in. I want to tell this sweet girl, “It is possible to live with a broken heart. But it’s hard.”  It's her worst nightmare, it's every mother's worst nightmare. God was cleaver when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight and to make it all blank for a while. To be able to walk, to talk, to breath, to go through the motions without having to actually *be* there. I can tell you she is in shock. I am still in shock. I remember the sheer terror we felt...not being able to process the finality of it all...the reality...I still can't. 9 months later, it is not one bit easier to understand how that night happened. 

So many things have shifted for me since losing Ava. So many. I can’t help feeling like my whole belief system has "changed" – I had such a certainty  that I had a good life because I was a good person, that life was kind to me because I “did the right thing”.. I liked having that belief – it felt secure and right. It’s another loss for me that I now understand that no-one is keeping score. It has become apparent that I have very little control over whether my day includes joy or tragedy. From here on when I “do the right thing”, I know it’s just because well, it’s the right thing. Nothing more, nothings less. And really, it’s such an insult to all the other good people who have had bad things happen that I held this belief in the first place. How incredibly conceited and selfish of me. 

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how blessed we were but we didn’t know it. We *thought* we did, we spoke of it very often, we just didn’t really know it. I think we are conditioned, in Western society, to perceive lucky/successful/blessed as a big house, new car, ..and the rest. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things...but what I now know so completely is that richness & happiness is truly right there, no matter what car/house/boat you do or don’t own. I’m not an envious person by nature but suddenly I find myself so very jealous and wanting to tell families all around me “My God..You are SOOO lucky. Do you know?” I want to tell people to get down on their knees, daily, and be so truly thankful for their full, whole, complete families. To smother their children with hugs, to tell their partners they love them. To stop worrying about stuff that DOES NOT MATTER! To not procrastinate, to not leave words unsaid, to not assume a tomorrow. I am still blessed, I do know I have a lot to remain thankful for but when I look back, I feel so much frustration that we didn’t truly know... I gave Ava everything...but some things were met with hesitation. I didn't want to "spoil" her...I wanted to "wait until she was bigger". My, my how my perspective has changed. Aynslee will get everything I think she would love this Christmas, why wait until she is "older"....who knows what the future holds? Only God. Not me. Not you. Sowhy wait? Why put off to a tomorrow that might not be?