the bright family: nonsense.

It can be the smallest things that have the biggest impact. Jim and I continued with our long standing tradition of decorating for Christmas in the days following Thanksgiving. We pulled out our red and green totes from the attic. I knew, this wasn't going to be easy, but no day in our life is. As we began to reach into these totes, we pulled out our ornaments. I ran across a picture of Ava that I have not seen since last year. It was our Christmas present from her school. She was standing there, wearing an elf hat, hair all a mess, grinning that precious everyday Ava grin, wearing her "purple penguin shirt". The picture, it was so unexpected and surprising, that it thew be off balance for the rest of the day. I just sat, staring at her picture for the longest time...wondering...how?

And the day turned into the night and we went to our "friendsgiving" dinner at the Huttons. I knew, yet again, this was going to be hard. To see all of Ava's friends playing & giggling without her....another missed opportunity...we have them everyday. This is nothing new to us. It's been our life for 8 months, we should be familiar with it by now. While we were there, everyone talked about the holiday's, football, good times, but not me...all I could think about was my sweet girl. Sort of like when you drive somewhere and you can't remember how you got there? I found myself constantly floating back to last year when Ava was there, wearing her brown and pink sweater dress, with her pink "snow boots", giggling in the floor with Ellie raising their feet in the air, kicking and laughing so hard. And then, remembering Austin and Ava hiding under mom's end tables, giggling and running around the house. Ava could light up a room, fill it with laughter...she had such a presence about her. What I would give--there is nothing I wouldn't--to be able to taker her again this year.

So, I sit here, staring at this picture in disbelief...and I catch my breath. Even now, 8 months later, it's not one bit easier to understand how that day happened. That she isn't here and she isn't coming back. That this is how our lives turned out, and hers was so short. None of it makes sense, and I have learned to accept that it never will...that's its "nonsensical" (if that's even a word) and do my best to get one with my altered life that still has so much to be thankful for.

My dear sweet Ava...you were so missed (as always) this year and every year to come...your mommy & daddy love you so very much.