The "missing"

On such a "normal" night..sunglasses, kicks, pull up, watching t.v....the messy room. i.miss.this.

The last video of her...playing with her much loved "bitty baby". 

I struggle to explain why some days I float, and some days I don’t.   Today,  for no definable reason, the yearning and the missing cloud the normalcy of a regular summer day that would have looked something like this: 

• Wake early
• breakfast
• watch t.v./get dressed
• go swimming (pool, lake, whatever)
• McDonalds drive thru
• Dinner
• Bed

But, from the inside, filtered through hazey grief, my day looks this:

I’ve not even opened my eyes but I can feel the clouds...I’m already missing and I remember the last video of her, the one of her playing with bitty baby...and it reminds me how she will never know motherhood

and

I disbelieve, still, while I start my coffee and wonder how the making of coffee and breakfast for just me can leave me feeling so empty

and

a little while later...I walk down the hall and I catch a glimpse of her room and I wish it were messy...and the t.v  was on...Dora, Kai Lan, Mickey Mouse clubhouse... 

and

then I pick Aynslee up...give her a big kiss.....but I can only think about the lovely princess who isn’t on my other hip

and

who isn’t ordering her own hamburger and apple juice and all I want to do is tell the cashier that today, just like yesterday and tomorrow,

I am missing my sweet Ava.

and

I eat dinner...with one chair empty...looking at the crumbs on a pink placemat...and I miss. 

and 

I lay one child down to sleep instead of two... I close my eyes...realizing I should never have to breath without my sweet girl...but I do, and I miss...in all the corners of my soul...

I am missing my sweet Ava.