any easier??

A question that I often get asked is “does it ever get any easier?” For me, the answer to this question is just no. It doesn't get easier...times doesn't heal when you lost a child. I would guess the bad days get farther apart...but they are still there and always will be. That's only a guess on my part. Everyday is a hard day...a bad day for us right now...everyday! 

It takes just one minute for your world to be torn apart. Just one minute. All of a sudden, everything that you once knew and believed in comes crashing down around you. The world all of a sudden seems like a dangerous and dark place. The utter shock, despair and disbelief is indescribable. I can not count the times I uttered the words “I just can't believe it” . 

I always imagined grief to consist of lots of crying and feelings of loss. While of course this is part of it, no one could have prepared me for the other feelings that go hand in hand:

Numbness – Sometimes, not being able to cry or feel anything at all.

Guilt – Why could I not protect my own baby? Could I have done something to change what happened?

Regret – Why did we get the surgery? What if we would have chosen not to do it? Would that have changed anything? 

Jealousy – Why me? Why us? Why our little girl? Why was our little girl the 1/33,000 chance of bleeding. 

Anger – At the whole world. How could it still be turning when my baby girl had died? and more to the point, how can a perfectly healthy little girl just die for no reason..at all?

Loneliness – There is nothing lonelier than grief. I am extremely lucky with the support I have received from family, friends , and community.  The truth is...no one can help. Although they feel pain too, no one can fully understand the depth or despair that is felt and how your life will never ever be the same again as a parent who a lost child, unless they have been through the same.

Re-living – re-living and feeling every moment as if it were happening again and again...over and over. 

Longing – For my sweet Ava. To hold her...kiss her...hug her...just HER! 

Longing – For the old me. The old carefree me that believed that everything always turned out ok in the end.The me who lived in a euphoric bliss of this life...so happy to have my baby girl Ava and another one on the way. Life couldn't get any better than that, right? 

These feelings are so intense. Time will never erase them. I know that and hopefully, one day I will accept that they are a part of me and always will be.